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Arthur vs. the Druids vs. the Grail: Transcription

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[Accompanied by foreboding music, the opening credits play.]

Opening Text: Long ago there were a race of men called the Druids who seemed to have strange abilities. It was never really proven that they were anything special, only strange. But now Arthur and his knights will come face to face with them. This is that story.

[An Inter-title with the words "The Knights" is displayed. Cut to Lancelot singing to himself.]

Lancelot: Camelot! To you alone I give my all! I know in my soul, what you expect of me! And all that and more I shall be!

Robin: Where are you? Where are you? Where are you my heart's desire?

Arthur: I'm all alone! All by myself! There's no one here to guide me!

Arthur: I'm all alone!

Robin: Oh, no, you're not!

Arthur: All by myself!

Robin: I'm right beside you!

Arthur: There's no one here to guide me!

[The Knights "ride" to the Round Table. The subtitle "And so they ride......" is displayed.]

[Cut to the Round Table. Lancelot is seen dealing cards. An Inter-title with the words "The Round Table" is displayed.]

Arthur: I'm bored! Can't anyone think of something?

Lancelot: I can think of nothing, sire.

Arthur: Oh, shut up, Lancelot! You've been nothing but trouble! I had to put Guinevere to death because of you!

Lancelot: Oh, right.

Robin: Ooh! What if we went, on a holy quest, for a very expensive and overrated piece of dining ware?

Lancelot: But that would never work!

Robin: Why not?'

Lancelot: Because there is no such dining ware!

[Lancelot and Robin continue playing cards. A grail suddenly appears infront of Arthur. The two knights do not see anything.]

Lancelot: *Laughs* King me!

Arthur: Oh yes there is, I see it before my very eyes right now! It's very expensive, and very overrated. It's the Holy Grail!

Lancelot: Do you see anything at all, Robin?

Robin: No, I don't. What, what does he think he sees there?

Lancelot: I think he's insane!

Robin: And I think you're right.

[Lancelot and Robin continue to redicule Arthur.]

Lancelot: Oh, yes!

Robin: Oh, yes, definitely!

Lancelot: I definitely see the Holy Grail, my lord.

Robin: Stupid!

Lancelot: Retard!

[Cut to a large marble table. A stock "mystery" cue plays. The subtitle "Merlin" is displayed.]

Arthur: What should I do, Merlin?

Merlin: You should seek out the Grail.

Arthur: And how will I do that?

Merlin: First, you must take your knights, Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot, to the mountain of Mt. Dune Tah Too Tae! There you will find your greatest foes yet.

Arthur: Who Merlin, who?

Merlin: The Druids!

Arthur: No! Not the Druids!

Merlin: Yes, the Druids.

Arthur: I shall defeat them.

Merlin: Yes you shall. Go, they have the Holy Grail. Only then, shall you be the once, and future king!

Arthur: Right then!

Merlin: Hey, where'd you go?

[Cut to Arthur and the other Knights on their way to the mountain.]

Robin: I can't believe we have to defeat the Druids!

Lancelot: Not a challenge at all, them Druids for me!

Arthur: Be brave knights. They come, from the east!

Robin: How do you know that?

Arthur: Because I feel... the Force!

Robin: Excuse me?

Arthur: You know, the force of they're screams, before they come.

Robin: Ooh. Lancelot, where do you think we should go?

Lancelot: Well, I don't know, Robin. My liege, where do you think we should go?

[Puppeteered and voiced by Robin, Arthur has been inconspicuously replaced by his jacket and hat proped onto Excalibur.]

Robin: I think we should go northeast!

Lancelot: Good idea my lord!

Robin: Of course it's a good idea! Let's go.

[The stock "mystery" cue plays again.]

[Cut back to Arthur. Suddenly Druid King appears, snapping his fingers.]

Druid King: You Arthur Pendragon, would wage a war on us?!

Arthur: Yes, as a matter of fact I would, leader of the Druids. We know you have the grail. If you give it to me now, you will avoid utter defeat by our hands, and all sides will be left unharmed.

Druid King: Execpt Arthur, I have no intention of giving you the Grail!

Arthur: Well, in that case, stand by for attack!

[Lancelot "rides" in.]

Druid King: Ready boys?

[Signaled by their leader, one by one, a multitude of Druid soldiers appear.]

Lancelot: My god, there must be, a hundred and fifty of them! How will you defeat them?

Arthur: Too simple. Just take out the leader and they'll all run away.

Lancelot: Oh, I see.

Arthur: Did your house gotten dark [sic] since we started filming this movie? Charge!

[Cut to the insisde of a building.]

Merlin: So lady, what did you think was going to happen to Arthur at this point?

[The Lady of the Lake doesn't respond. Her name subtitle appears.]

Merlin: Well, there was a total eclipse in the sun, which made the atmosphere around Arthur and the Druid King, dark. So, they found a place, that made them brighter, so that they were able to see each other, so that they could kill each other! *Laughter*

The Lady of the Lake: But as you see, me being the Lady of the Lake, I already knew that they were all going to die! Well, what ever happened to my part?

Merlin: I don't know.

The Lady of the Lake: Well, that's all right, Merlin, I'm not really angry, But, I would like to say one thing, this movie could have used better music.

[The same "mystery" cue from earlier plays. The Lady of the Lake noticibly appears next to Merlin now.]

Merlin: You know what Lady of the Lake, you're right. Once in every movie, there comes a song of sentimentle value.

The Lady of the Lake: How did I get overhere?

Merlin: I don't know. But you're right, this movie is full of bad songs, and usually movies have good songs. Where is that one good song in this movie? *Singing* Once in every film, there comes a song like this. It starts off nice and low, then ends up with a kiss! Oh where, is the song, that goes like this!

The Lady of the Lake:


  • Singing* A sentimental song, that casts a magic spell! They'll only hum along, we'll overact like hell!

Merlin and the Lady of the Lake: *Singing* Oh this, is the song, that ends like this!

Merlin: Oh, yes, it is!

The Lady of the Lake: Yes, it is! *Continues singing*

Merlin: Back to the brightened warehouse where the fight continues!

[INow inside, the Druid King and Arthur fight with their swords. The Druid King knocks Excalibur out of Arthur's hands.]

Druid King: You are beaten!

Arthur: Never!

[Offscreen, Lancelot throws Excalibur back to Arthur.]

Lancelot: Your sword, my liege!

[Arthur knocks the Druid King's sword away from him and repetedly swips at his head, missing each time.]

Druid King: Ha ha! You missed!

[Arthur does not miss this time and chops the Druid King's head off.]

Druid King: *Gasp* I'm slain!

[Arthur and Lancelot appear outside for one shot.]

Lancelot: You cut his head off! There it is on the ground!

Robin: Look, my liege, the other Druids went and ran away, just like you said they would!

Arthur: So they did. And look, when his head got chopped up his body disappeared!

[Lancelot points to the crotch area of the Druid King's empty pants.]

Lancelot: Robin, I think it might be the Holy Grail!

Robin: My liege, it is the Holy Grail!

Lancelot: Wicked!

Arthur: This is the Holy Grail?

Robin: Yes!

Arthur: This is not as good as Jesus made it out to be! Piece of rubbish!

Robin: Jesus didn't make it! God did!

Lancelot: But I don't think God would have wanted us to have it! Maybe there's some secret religious thing with it, I mean, I mean it's really a lot greater than it looks, my liege. There's a real good signifigance to the Holdy Grail! It must be, must be, eternal youth, or eternal life, something!

Arthur: Yeah, right! Screw it!

[Arthur tosses aside the Grail and shatters it. Robin and Lancelot gasp. Cut back to Merlin.]

Merlin: And then Arthur had to go and throw away the Holy Grail! Y'know, that was the whole point of that quest! What do you think about this, Lady of the Lake?

The Lady of the Lake: Meh...

[Cut back to the Round Table.]

Robin: Well, It's good to be home, isn't it?

Arthur: Too bad the journey was all for nothing!

Lancelot: Damn right it was for nothing!

Robin: We were only gone 2 hours.

Lancelot: And by the way, why didn't I get a fight scene?

Robin: I don't know! I'm not the director!

Lancelot: To the Holy Grail!

Arthur, Lancelot and Robin: The Holy Grail!

Robin: Which you destroyed.

Arthur: Quite! Now lads, there's one lesson learned from all this.

Robin: What's that, my liege?

Arthur, Lancelot and Robin:


  • Singing* Always look on the bright side of life! Always look on the bright side of life! Always look on the bright side of life!

[Credits play, accompanied by the song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Light," sung by Eric Idle.]

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